Single people absolutely love being single – don’t get it twisted. However, there are those times when nights are stupid long and the thought of masturbating makes you kind of happy but deep down inside, really makes you sad.
… and I hate to digress, but masturbating is much funner when you are actively dating or in a relationship. When you are masturbating because you aren’t getting any … 2 years done passed and the most consistent action you’ve gotten has been with your own self … it gets a little pathetic.
For people in their 30s who are dating or are looking to break back into the dating scene (and I am the self-proclaimed spokesperson for us), if you have an ounce of self esteem, finding the right person to spend time with is becoming increasingly hard as time goes on.
For me, 2015 was a bust in the sex department. I have talked about it on FaceBook, to friends and family, to strangers and coworkers, all because I am bitter and I know I am not alone. I know what it takes to land a lover or a harem of lovers (which is what I am going for this year) and I simply did not do any of it. I also know there are a bunch of singles in the world who could benefit if they apply some of my methods, techniques and concepts.
With these things being said, if you are in your 30s and want to get back into dating, here is a list that will make your transition back into the dating scene seamless.
1. Start Going Out
… and I don’t mean with a desperate and longing look in your eyes, on the prowl either. Go places that you want to go and do things with your friends. If you do not have friends, get some. If you have to attend free events in your city, go to them whenever you can. If you have to carve out a budget for excursions, do it.
In 2016, the person who goes to work, minds their business and stays out of trouble isn’t a catch. The catch is the person who has the best instagram, figuratively speaking and not figuratively speaking at the same time … it actually depends on who is reading. Whether you are a social media head or not, the things you do in your spare time have to be instagram worthy because that is the world we are living in today. What do you be doing? What cool places do you be eating at? What you ate when you was there? What party you went to? What your friends look like? What y’all was doing?
For people who are good at social media, stop taking selfies in the bathroom. You need to be posting pictures of you out and about at cool events with cool people. Me, personally, I am not much of a poster. If I am sitting at dinner, the last thing on my mind is taking a picture of the food. However, when it comes time to start dating, I know I need to have things to talk about. I went here with them, I tried that over there, the other day this and the other day that. So, even though I am not a poster, going weeks without posting a picture to my instagram account, I should live my life like I have a thriving and bustling social network presence because it will give me things to talk about as well as something else that leads me into the next tip.
2. Be Unavailable
Take it from me – no one wants a person who is fully available. People want a reason to fight for your time. And honestly, even though I am going cliche, people should want to fight for your time because you are special. If you didn’t know it, now you do. I will say it again – you are special. This is true … yes, indeed, it is a fact. Why? Because at the very least, meaning if you don’t have another damned thing going for yourself, you don’t have one specific good quality to help your self esteem, you even feel ugly, there is no one else on this planet like you. You are the only one who is you. If that isn’t something special in itself, I don’t know what is. So, you always want people to want your time, you want people to work for your time and you want people to value your time; they gotta know your time is worth something. You accomplish that by being unavailable.
I don’t care if you have to lie. You can lay in your bed and smell like your room for 3 days straight, if you have an interest in someone, do not let them know that you ain’t doing shit. If you have to miss a phone call and call back 15 minutes later, then I say do it. Don’t answer every single damned phone call from your love interest. It isn’t healthy, it will give them a bunch of impressions and none of those impressions are going to help you in the long run. They could think, they are more than what they are because you are always available for them, they could think you don’t have a life which will be a turn off, they could think that you are bored or boring. In the future, by always being available, they may come to think you are at their disposal, they may come to think that you don’t have needs that have to be met or your needs are minimal and can be met with almost nothing, and worst of all, they may take you for granted.
Now, the last thing you want to do is play games with people. If you are someone who is always available then that needs to change. You really don’t want to be fake unavailable because that will fuck with your self esteem. Meaning you don’t really want to act like you are doing things when you aren’t. It may work in the beginning or you may think it’s nothing but surely it will begin to eat away at you. I mean, think about it, why aren’t you doing something? You need to get out more. Refer to the very first item on this list.
When you go out and have fun, there are going to be times that you are unavailable and this is healthy, it’s attractive, and it’s something else that leads me to the next tip.
3. Be Mysterious
People think they want to know what someone is doing, but if you ask me when you have no idea what someone is up to you want to find out. So, in the same way your attraction to someone makes you wonder about them, if someone is attracted to you they will wonder about you. If you give everything up by always being available or not having enough stuff to talk about, your interests know your whole life story in under a week or talking too much about too much, then the mystery is solved and if the person sticks around it could be because they think they know you already or they have an ulterior motive. Once the mystery is solved, behaviors start to change. Not everyone has an ulterior motive, there may be other qualities that were revealed that will keep someone around once the mystery is solved, but for the most part behaviors change.
When you have things to do outside of your love affairs, you keep people wondering. If you miss a phone call because you were living it up, then the person wonders when you will call back or if you will even call back at all. Then when you call back, should you decide to do so, since so far, the ball is in your court, then you have something to talk about. “Oh, I am sorry I missed your call, I was sky diving with my friend who is visiting from Alaska. What’s up? What were you doing?” Or if you really want to be mysterious, “Hey, I saw that you called me. How are you?”
I give up information, but really you don’t have to. The more information you hold, the better. Make the person stick there neck out and ask you what you were doing when they called so they could look like a control freak or stalker. Make someone so curious they step out of character. Having things to do help you to talk about things that aren’t personal. When you are dating, there is no need to talk about your ex, about your struggles, or people who took advantage of you. This is information that could potentially be held against you. That information isn’t important until you know who you are dating which leads me to the next tip.
4. Who Are WE?
When you are over 30 and your are dating in your own age group and up, you need to keep these things in mind:
- Something went very wrong in their life because they should be settled in their relationship already.
- Who’s fault was it? If they say it was the other person’s fault then they have a problem accepting responsibility. If they say it was their fault, what the fuck did they do?
- Did they have a significant adult relationship? If they didn’t then this is a red flag. If they did, that is also a red flag and you need to focus in on #2, specifically who’s fault it was and analyze it with the scrutiny of a parole board at a maximum security federal prison.
Now, don’t forget … the internet is a very small world. There is a 5% probability that someone who is reading this post is going to keep these 3 things in mind when they come to look at you. So, you need to reflect on these 3 items and do the necessary work. Something went very wrong in our life that we are still single. What happened? In my case, I was in a 5 year relationship with a woman who was cheating. Bitch was cheating for like a year and change before I found out. However, I accept full responsibility because when I started looking back over everything, I knew deep down in my soul that I should have dumped her ass after 18 months … not that it wasn’t working … there was just this one thing that I didn’t like at all. She already displayed a behavior I knew I didn’t want in my life but I kept trying to fix it. I knew it and yet I stuck around for another few years, another few thousand dollars and I wound up getting shitted on.
Now, the problem I had to fix is why I would stick around after knowing she had a glitch in her personality that I knew I didn’t want in my life? Before I could even think about dating again, I had to figure that out. I do not want a repeat. I do not want anyone to think that they could get away with being with other people if they have me thinking it is a monogamous relationship and there is something I did to make her think she was going to get away with that or even risk the life that we had. Also, I am proud to say, when I am asked about my previous relationship I let it be known that I was cheated on and wasn’t able to go forward in the relationship. Which far sexier than saying I was cheated on in one year and we broke up later down the line. Now, people I have an interest in know I have no problem cutting things off if I am treated less than desirable which is so important and leads me to the next tip.
5. Keep Your Mouth Shut If You Ain’t Do Shit
… or fucking lie. If your last partner gave you a black eye, do not tell a new love interest because I promise you they will black your eye. If your last partner gave you a black eye and you just can’t hold it in any longer, either the person is asking a line of questions that you cannot get around or it’s just time to start revealing a little bit more, you fucking lie.
Don’t tell the person you have an interest in; one that you would enter into a relationship with that your last partner was blacking your eye and all you did was cry and you stuck around for more. Instead, your last partner blacked your eye and you got scared that you were going to do some time in prison because you maimed them. To this day you know they will never lay their hand on another unassuming person who loved them to death without remembering what you did to them after they laid their hands on you. That you even went to the hospital and whispered some crazy shit in their ear in front of their family that thought you was praying because when you finished whispering you stood up and declared, “Father, hear my prayer,” while looking up to the heavens with tears in your eyes and they remembered how you walked in, so distraught about your lover’s full body cast even though they know you were there the night of the “accident” and the details are sketchy.
See, I got cheated on, but I get to say, “When I found out, I thought I could work it out for like 2 weeks because we had a whole life. Then I had to come to my senses and tell her, ‘Nah, it’s not gonna work for me.’ Ummmm, I ain’t care how much I loved her still, I was super done, stick-a-fork-in-it-done.” You cannot talk about an injustice against you without talking about what you did to redeem yourself or else you are simply telling the person what they will be allowed to do to you. Then you gotta start saying this stupid line while crying, “… but I told you what I’ve been through and you gonna turn around and do the same exact thing! THE SAME EXACT THING, THO. FUCK YOU, ALRIGHT? FUCK YOU!” This is most likely your future, unless you get lucky, if you talk about what someone did to you without saying how you solved the problem or got the problem solved.
6. Be Yourself
Do not say what you think the person wants to hear, do not say anything trying to control someone’s perspective of you. Actually, if you have a problem being yourself over 30 then you have a much huger problem that I am not qualified to deal with but this item still deserves mention. If you do or say things that really are not you but you are trying to please someone or make someone thing you are a certain way other than what you are while dating, should things get serious, it will come back to bite you in your ass.
Being yourself is the best thing you can be during the dating process. There really isn’t much more that I could say. Perhaps if this article was for a younger generation of daters, then I would speak more on this subject, but it’s for my age group and up and I am so embarrassed that this is even a situation.
In my experience, the dating scene is still full of prospects who aren’t being their self. Either they are driven by the desperation of wanting to be in a relationship or they are determined to make sure they aren’t played like a fiddle or abused again, but aren’t willing to do the internal work necessary to remove themselves from attracting that sort of lover so they act the way they think people who don’t get abused act or even worse, they take on the characteristics of those that have abused them and they reenact with their own self as the abuser.
That is super deep, it’s part of the reason why after break ups it’s best to take some time to yourself, especially if you were the one that got played or hurt because it minimizes the likely hood that you will project the same thing that happened to you onto someone else.
7. You Just Want To Go Out And Have Fun
Dating is supposed to be fun. If you followed this list all the way through, you’ll see I am pretty much ending it with what I started it with. It all goes back to going out. When you find an interest no matter what method you use, start going out and having some fun. You can use online dating services, you can meet someone when you started going out to begin with if you weren’t already that going-out-sort-of-a-person, or through a friend once you start letting people know you are actively dating.
Or, you can use going out as a tool to meet someone. You go to places where you think your type might be. For example, my friend bought over this book about Tantric Sex because she is a super-freak. As she was talking to me about it, we were laughing imagining the crazy people she would have on her hands if she started employing some of the techniques from the book with her partners because most people we attract aren’t ready for that level of love-making.
I told her that she needs to go to the yoga community if she wanted people to explore those levels of bedroom play and not worry about repercussions. Either the yoga people or the artists because any other pool may not be able to handle what’s said to be experienced through Tantra.
So, figure out what you want out of someone and go there to where they hang out. My friend and I are actually looking for a yoga class now to attend on a weekly basis to see if we could pump it for some dates. I’m going because I wouldn’t mind having a flexible lover and she wants a woman who is already tapped in on metaphysical levels with whom she can eventually begin to explore out of this world sex and spiritual stuff. Positioning yourself where the type of person you want is will save you time, energy, and is good business acumen.
When you land your date, people are getting away from the movies, but the movies are good because there isn’t any talking. Going out to eat is cool but now there is a lot of conversation. The older you get the quicker people want to get to the point and all up in your personal business. Why? Because we are getting older and we don’t have time. Personally, I am not telling anyone my business until I feel like they should know it. So for that reason, when it comes to going out, I like to do things like take tours of the city, a show, or some kind of activity. Something where all the talk could be centered around what we are doing on this date. This is how dating becomes fun instead of like an interview process.
A great way to make sure you are always going out with your dates and having fun is by following the very first item and being that person yourself. If every time the person calls you there is a new experience you had or an event you attended, then they will know they can’t invite you to do something simple and/typical like to chill and watch Netflix.
Dating over 30 takes a lot of courage, but you will find it is much sweeter than it was 10 years ago. We know what we want, we know what we don’t want and we have more than an idea on how to get it. We are dating other people with life experiences so sharing personal beliefs and stories on how things came to be is really fun. Sex is better in your 30s too, so do not be afraid of what is out there, just be aware and safe on ALL fronts.
*Before you go, you might want to take a moment and read about women in 2017. What I have gathered, after being single for close to 3 years. You will definitely want to read this so you can be equipped for what is out here nowadays. From a single butch perspective, I shed some light on why women can’t find any good men in my city.